This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
-lyrics to Held by Natalie Grant
I have struggled for the last year with blogging- I don't know how much of it should be Tag...You're It and the jewelry side and how much should be more personal, sharing stories of my family. So, I have slowed the blogging down as I tried to decide what it should be.
Well, something on the personal side happened this month, and I can't just continue blogging about jewelry and promoting Christmas sales without first addressing a more personal story.
On October 10, 2013, our son, Sawyer, went to be with Jesus. He was scheduled to be induced that coming Sunday, and on Wednesday morning, I hadn't felt any movement since the night before. After going to the hospital, our absolute worst fears were confirmed when they couldn't find a heartbeat. I considered sharing about the entire ordeal, but to be honest, it is too raw and too dark in despair for me to feel like it would benefit anyone by reading about it right now.
I have never felt sadness like this before. It is true what people say- it is like a horrible dream that you can't wake up from. I had read passages in scripture, such as Psalm 6:6-7, which talks about being "worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears..." but I had never really felt it.
I miss my little boy.
I want to hold him. I want to rock him to sleep. I want to watch him grow up into a man. I want to see him get married and become a daddy. To tell you the truth, I pray each night that God would turn back time and that when I wake the next morning, it would be October 9, and they would decide to induce him, since we were just at the hospital that afternoon. We were able to hold him for a day, and I will always wonder what color his eyes would have been.
But through all of the tears, I know that I cry with hope. I cling to the fact that I will get to see Sawyer again. Mark and I both accepted Christ as our Savior and live our lives with a trust and dependency on Jesus. I know that when I die, I will get to see Sawyer again in heaven.
This experience has really reminded me that this home is temporary. This world is sad and corrupted by sin and frankly, it sucks. I am here on Earth for such a short time, but I can look forward to forever praising and glorifying the God who created us.
As I drove home this afternoon in the depressing rain after running errands with my little girl, I couldn't help but be amazed at how beautiful the fall trees were. It was like a beautiful painting and I knew that no "big bang" could have painted it. To know God is real means that heaven is real, and Sawyer Michael is in heaven. He knew exactly how long Sawyer would be with us- God was not surprised that his heart stopped and I have to remind myself of that numerous times throughout the day. I have marked about 30 passages on my Bible app and when I feel the wave of despair coming, I grab my phone and read and read, letting the words of God comfort me.
I prayed and prayed that God would heal Sawyer of his gastroschisis- and He did. It was not the way that I wanted. I still want him here. I want him here so badly. Yet God healed him and replaced his small, frail and already damaged body with a glorified, perfect body and for that I praise God because He is always good.
In the past three weeks, there have been good days (like today) where I can sing God's praises and sing "Overcomer" by Mandisa at the top of my lungs in the car while Delaney sings a 3 year-old's harmony in the back seat. And then there are days where I am curled up in a ball crying in Sawyer's closet praying for God to "hold me" and "sustain me" and "hold me" and "sustain me". I know there is a hole in my heart that will never be completely healed. I am part of this horrible club of losing a child, that I never thought I would be a part of. But I am a part of another club, being a child of God, and that is enough to keep me above water. He has provided me with a wonderful, loving husband and a toddler who keeps us both laughing when we didn't think laughter was possible.
I am back to work and back to stamping jewelry. I think getting back to "routine" as soon as possible helped keep my mind busy. I am already planning on what "Sawyer" necklace I want- whether I just want his name, his actual handprint, or his actual footprint on a piece. I love making this jewelry because it means something.
It can be a comfort to a mommy in need- and this time I am the one in need.