Pregnancy after Stillbirth...

I have kind of been keeping a secret from my facebook friends.  I'm pregnant.  YAY!...

Except pregnancy after stillbirth is scary.  It's terrifying actually.

I am envious of pregnant women I see that are blissfully having themed baby showers and sharing ultrasound pics and having gender reveal parties with pink or blue cake pops.  That's not my pregnancy life anymore.

This pregnancy comes after the loss of our stillbirth son at 37 weeks back in October.  Although I was excited, I knew that I didn't want anyone to know.  The horrible pessimist in me just assumed I would lose this baby too, so there was no use getting excited about it.

My first three ultrasounds resulted in uncontrollable tears even though they were telling us, "everything looks great!".  I'm sure the ultrasound techs assumed it was an unwanted pregnancy because of the crying, when in fact it was just the opposite.  We decided to see our doctor at her other office so that it didn't bring back so many tough memories.

I am almost 28 weeks now.  We will be delivering our baby BOY in just nine short weeks.  It is amazing how God has helped me through the last few months.  When we first found out, I decided there would be no planning- I told my family "no new clothes, no new toys, NOTHING...until the baby arrives."  I didn't want to come home to another finished nursery and full closet with no baby to hold.  I really didn't even want to talk about it with anyone.  I was so happy, but SO scared.

But God has softened my heart and eased my anxiety.  The more attached I get to this little boy kicking my belly, the more excited I am for his arrival.  I have become somewhat obsessed with decorating his red tractor bedroom and actually took maternity pictures.  (That was a huge regret with Sawyer- we never took maternity pictures and I don't really have any to look back on).  We have a name picked out and have started talking about this little baby with others, which was really difficult to do for months.

I still have moments- if I don't feel him move in a ten minute time frame, all hell breaks loose.  I get completely panicked.  We have made three or four trips to the emergency room and a couple unplanned trips to the doctors office because of fears.  I wake up throughout the night just to make sure I can feel him moving.  

And I still grieve for Sawyer.  I know the next few months will be extremely joyous, but extremely difficult also.  I can't wait to hold my new baby boy, but I still miss his older brother.  

One of the reasons I did decide to share our news is because I would really, really covet your prayers.  We need them.  We need prayers for anxiety and prayers for this baby boy.  Please, please pray that God would give us a little boy to hold and love in September and to bring home to take care of and nurture.

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."

Matthew 18:20

When the Sun Shines after a Storm

I love the seasons.  Mark and I lived in Hawaii for a few years when we were first married.  And although I understand it is paradise, I still missed the changing of the seasons and longed to be back home again in Indiana. 

 I had a sweet woman from my church ask me recently how we were doing with our loss.  She said, "I hate that it happened in the fall because then you had to deal with the most depressing months of the winter right after that."

I explained to her that I actually felt the opposite.  The seasons and the weather matched my mood.  After Sawyer's death, the weather turned cold and icy.  It gave me time to grieve and not feel like I had to smile because it was sunny and gorgeous outside.  The outside matched my own insides- cold, dark, and sad.  I had extreme grief and needed those dark months to work through it.

 It has been seven months and the sun is out again.  The snow has melted and the salt has been cleaned off of the streets.  The weather is warming up and the flowers have bloomed.

New life has begun again.  

I am enjoying the warmth and the sunshine and the flowers.  

Although there is an occasional rainy day or even a passing storm, where my heart is breaking and hurting, the sun always comes back out again.

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

New Pieces in our Shop

In the last few months we have had a chance to design new pieces!  We have added a lot to the shop and I wanted to share them to make sure you weren't missing out.  

My sister designed these gorgeous "chalkboard" style fine silver necklaces.  

I absolutely love the way they turned out.

You can find them here.

We have also added a great alternative to sterling silver in our shop.  Pewter has the thickness and feel of fine silver, but is much more affordable.  The elephant necklace starts at $26!

You can find them here.

And finally, a more simple piece.  It is basic, but perfect for the grandma with tons of grandkids- 

a birthstone for everyone.  

You can find it here.

The daddy daughter dance

A few weeks ago, I called Mark and asked him if he wanted to take Delaney to a daddy-daughter dance.  

Mark: (sigh) (long pause) "I guess"

Me: "Great! 'Cause I already signed you up and paid for it!"

Delaney had been given a gorgeous glitter dress from her great grandma the day before, and she was dying to get to wear it outside of the house, so was super excited about the dance.

Yes, I let my 3 year-old daughter put on my 24 hour lipstick.  By herself.  She still had it on two days later after multiple washings- that stuff is good.  And she might be putting it on her tongue in that picture.

She requested an "Elsa" braid (from Frozen if you live in a non-child cave).  I think I rocked it, although Mark said it had completely fallen out after a few moves on the dance floor and she was a sweaty mess with no braid when she arrived home.

Excuse me, miss, but you have some lipstick on your teeth.

This girl loves her daddy.  They got home well past her bedtime, complete with a neon glow necklace and a pink balloon animal.  I think that equals success.  They both said they had a great time and will be going again next year:)

Be still my heart.

InstaFriday

I'm linking up with Life Rearranged to share the story behind some instagram pics today.  It has been a while since I shared photos, but hopefully I will be sharing more in the next few months.

 Delaney was able to go to the Barnum and Bailey circus in December.  Her favorite part of the circus was probably the giant snowcone in the elephant cup that cost too much money.  She was also slightly obsessed with the "purple" clown.  I realize she is more pink, but she gets her colors confused.

Our baby boy was "born still" October 10th- I will be honest- I don't like that phrase.  Something about it, I don't know, I just don't like it.  Maybe I feel like it is sugar coating the reality of the situation.  

Anyway, right after Sawyer died, we knew we wanted to get tattoos.  Luckily, we decided to get them the night of the circus, so Delaney had her own tattoo to share, which says "the greatest SHOW on EARTH".  

We wanted "I will go to him", which is part of 

2 Samuel 12:23, which describes how David feels after his new baby dies.  

"But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."  

It is just a reminder that our baby WILL be in heaven and we will see him again.  

The tattoo artist couldn't fit "I will go to him" on my arm, since I didn't want it taking up the entire arm.  So, I just went with his name and eventually, I will probably put the verse on my other arm.  On a lighter note, the tattoo artist's name was Boner.  When I texted my mom in a panic right before it was my turn, the conversation went like this 

"mom...Mark is getting his done now.  I'm next.  The guy's name is Boner, so..."  

"...Well, Woody from Toy Story has a questionable name and he seems like a nice guy, so don't be too quick to judge."

That definitely helped my nerves and the tears that accompanied them.

Delaney had some much needed cousin time when her Hawaiian cousins came to visit over Christmas.  Mark's brother and wife live in Hawaii, so we don't get to see them very often.  They had an absolute blast, including a movie night.  They lasted at least 30 minutes before they were ready to get up and play...

AND we live in Indiana, so we dealt with THIS last week.  This was the beautiful day of 12" of snow when we were able to play and sled.  The next day, the temperature dropped to -14 or so...we didn't leave the house for a few days.  I then developed cabin fever, and almost died from it.

Mark and I celebrated our 10th anniversary a few weeks ago!  I was married at 19, but it was more
common back then...oh wait, no it wasn't. at all.  We've moved five times, dealt with a deployment to Afghanistan, both graduated from college, held multiple jobs, suffered a miscarriage, gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL baby girl, and are currently dealing with the death of our stillborn baby boy.  We've had a lot happen in ten years,  but we look the exact same as we did in the picture...just humor me.

I can't get over the beauty of this picture.  Delaney was wearing her hot pink Mardi Gras style glitter mask and was playing with my phone.  I found this photo today- she somehow put on a black and white filter and snapped this selfie. Even though her eyes are black, there is something about it that I love.

A Christmas cow and a Public Service Announcement

Well, the holidays are over, my tree is down, and the fake pine needles have been vacuumed off the floor.  This was the toughest Christmas I have ever experienced.  After Sawyer died in October, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to put up a tree or buy any presents.  However, when the time came, I found that I was still able to decorate and get ready for Christmas.  I wanted it to be fun for Delaney.  I absolutely love the Christmas season and I wanted her to see the joy in celebrating Jesus.

Towards the beginning of December, we received a letter that really helped me keep our Christmas in perspective after such a tragic time.  Mark and I signed up to sponsor a child through Compassion International early last year.  I chose to sponsor a little boy who had been waiting the longest, named Ishimwe.  I write letters to him, although with the busyness of life, I don't write as many as I would like to.

After everything that happened with Sawyer, I was not exactly in the Christmas spirit.  However, I knew I needed to send Ishimwe a gift for Christmas.  The gifts have to be monetary, so I talked to Mark about it, and we sent a gift for the amount that we would have spent on Christmas gifts for Sawyer.  I will be honest- it wasn't what I considered a lot of money.  I don't spend a LOT of money on Delaney for Christmas.  I think I bought her 5 or 6 new toys and I bought them on sale, mostly with Kohl's cash.

 In mid-December, I was having a really rough day.  I had cried a lot that day.  Mark walked in from work with the mail and I saw that I had a letter from Compassion International.  I opened it to find a letter from Ishimwe and a photo.  I looked at the picture without really studying it and began reading the letter.  I read through it somewhat quickly.  He is 10, but his letters are always written by an adult and translated by another adult.  Therefore, sometimes I feel like they are a little "detached" -it is evident that an adult is sitting next to him asking him questions so that he can "write" a letter to me and often the translation is a little rough.
Mark was reading over my shoulder and when we got to the end of the letter, I gasped and Mark said, "HE BOUGHT A COW!" and I was immediately crying, but different tears.  The end of the letter stated: "[he] is so thankful for you for the gift you sent to him of recent...which was used for buying a male calf with for rearing.  May God bless you so much."

I don't know what I expected him to buy with the money.  He is from Rwanda.  I knew it wouldn't be a Transformer or a Skylander, but I thought maybe a soccer ball, a book, and new pair of shoes.  Or maybe Compassion International would have some "toys" that they could buy with their money or something.  That is how American I am.  But, no.  He bought a cow.  This sweet 10 year-old boy didn't buy a new video game for his XBOX or a new pair of Nikes.  He bought a cow.  I am sure it was a family decision.  He might not have not wanted to buy a cow with his Christmas money, but after looking at the picture a second time, I could see the joy that the cow brought for him.

The child on the left is Ishimwe.  I suspect it is his sister in the middle and his mother on the right, although I cannot be certain.  and the cow.  This 10 year-old's Christmas gift with the money that I really didn't think would go very far.

I don't write this to say look what we did for him.  I just wanted to share that during a day that I was broken, God gave me encouragement through this child I have never met.  Now it is time for the public service announcement.  I know there a lot of times where you just don't have an extra $38 a month.  I get that.  I try to think of ways that I can cut that money out of my own budget to help support Ishimwe and his family.  It is about the cost of two new sweaters (on sale) a month, one pair of jeans, two family meals at Chipotle, or one meal at Outback.  It is the price of one date night at a movie theatre with concessions.  A little bit of money can go a long way in countries like Rwanda.  If you are interested, Compassion International is a great, faith based organization and it is so easy to sign up.

Christmas was still hard.  But thinking of this photo of this little boy and his Christmas gift helped bring me joy when I was hurting.  I think whenever I buy Delaney any gifts, I will always be reminded of a child who bought a cow for his family with his Christmas money.

Where to find Jesse Tree / Advent Ornaments

Last year, I decided that I wanted to start an advent tradition with our family.  I didn't really know what it was until reading about it on numerous blogs and decided it was a wonderful idea.  I decided to go with a Jesse Tree, which involves a daily ornament.  Each day, beginning on December 1st, you read a devotional with your family and then hang the symbolic ornament on the "Jesse Tree".  I loved the thought of spending the entire month seeing how the entire Bible leads to Jesus, especially when so much focus is on gifts, shopping, and Santa this time of year.  There are a billion different versions of the Jesse Tree or Advent Calendar, but I liked the one from Life Rearranged the best.  (Definitely go to her link if you want this version of the Jesse Tree explained in detail).  I tried doing a free printable version last year.  It was way too complicated for a two year old, and the paper ornaments fell apart by the end of the season.  With this version, you use real ornaments. I loved the thought of using the same special ornaments every year.

I chose the same Advent book as Life Rearranged, which can be found here.  Since I am using real ornaments, I knew this was going to be a pricey new tradition.  However, knowing that I am buying these ornaments once and will have them forever made it easier to purchase.  I am still a thrifty shopper though, so I kind of tried to keep the rule that I wouldn't spend more than $10 on one ornament.  I also spent a lot of time on different websites looking for ornaments.  I still have quite a few to get, but wanted to share what I have found, where I found them, and how much I spent if you wanted to get started on your own Jesse Tree.   There were a couple that I found at specific places or was given, but I thought the others could be a help.

Ok, I hot glued this ladder from a branch that was outside.  Not beautiful by any means, but it works and saved some money!

Yeah, this ornament was made after Delaney said "ornament time!" and I realized I didn't have an ornament for that night.  I cut a piece of fabric, hot glued, and threw some foam circles on it that were laying on the counter from a snowman craft.  I didn't even add a ribbon yet, so she just "stuck" in the tree.  Not my best work, but again, it was cheap and actually looked cute on the tree.

 This was my favorite find.  It was a plain white plaster ornament on a ribbon hanging in the craft DIY section at Micheals.  Delaney had some watercolors on the table, so I used a little bit of black watercolor to give it a gray look and just wrote the numbers with sharpie.

The wheat was in the floral section and it was a huge cluster of wheat.  I obviously cute it down, but it is still a little large.

11. NEED- a slingshot (when searching, I got a good laugh about the possibility of this one)

My mom brought this over and said "I thought you could make something similar to this for your Jesse Tree.  I made these for Sunday School".

My response was "um, can I have that one?" and it was done.

16. NEED- a lamb and a shepherd's staff

So, I obviously had the materials for this since I make hand stamped jewelry and ornaments.  However, I need a disclaimer to explain that I stamped this at 8pm in the dark in about 20 seconds.  I didn't want you to think my stamping is normally that crooked, but for my kid, it will work:)

So, I modeled the fiery furnace after one I saw online, but now I can't find it to give it credit.  In the Christmas village section at Michaels, they had a roll of stone and a roll of brick, to make pathways for your village.  I cut it, hot glued it, and threw some red tissue inside.

This was from the same Christmas village packet.  Yes, I was too lazy to cut a hole and put a ribbon on it.  Next year, people.

Let me know if you have suggestions for the ornaments that I don't have yet.  I think I will have to make quite a few and use paper printouts for this Christmas.  I wanted to have them all ready for this year, but I would rather take my time and make sure the ornaments turn out well. 

*Update 1/2/14- I was able to make a lot of the ornaments very quickly, in time for each night.  It was a huge hit with our daughter.  She is 3 1/2 and looked forward to her "ornament" every night.  I don't think she really understood the devotions and I don't think they sunk in, but the point was to just introduce her to these Bible stories and help explain why we are celebrating Christmas.  We have a small 4 foot tree, which became our Jesse Tree.  Here is a picture of our finished tree: