I have kind of been keeping a secret from my facebook friends. I'm pregnant. YAY!...
Except pregnancy after stillbirth is scary. It's terrifying actually.
I am envious of pregnant women I see that are blissfully having themed baby showers and sharing ultrasound pics and having gender reveal parties with pink or blue cake pops. That's not my pregnancy life anymore.
This pregnancy comes after the loss of our stillbirth son at 37 weeks back in October. Although I was excited, I knew that I didn't want anyone to know. The horrible pessimist in me just assumed I would lose this baby too, so there was no use getting excited about it.
My first three ultrasounds resulted in uncontrollable tears even though they were telling us, "everything looks great!". I'm sure the ultrasound techs assumed it was an unwanted pregnancy because of the crying, when in fact it was just the opposite. We decided to see our doctor at her other office so that it didn't bring back so many tough memories.
I am almost 28 weeks now. We will be delivering our baby BOY in just nine short weeks. It is amazing how God has helped me through the last few months. When we first found out, I decided there would be no planning- I told my family "no new clothes, no new toys, NOTHING...until the baby arrives." I didn't want to come home to another finished nursery and full closet with no baby to hold. I really didn't even want to talk about it with anyone. I was so happy, but SO scared.
But God has softened my heart and eased my anxiety. The more attached I get to this little boy kicking my belly, the more excited I am for his arrival. I have become somewhat obsessed with decorating his red tractor bedroom and actually took maternity pictures. (That was a huge regret with Sawyer- we never took maternity pictures and I don't really have any to look back on). We have a name picked out and have started talking about this little baby with others, which was really difficult to do for months.
I still have moments- if I don't feel him move in a ten minute time frame, all hell breaks loose. I get completely panicked. We have made three or four trips to the emergency room and a couple unplanned trips to the doctors office because of fears. I wake up throughout the night just to make sure I can feel him moving.
And I still grieve for Sawyer. I know the next few months will be extremely joyous, but extremely difficult also. I can't wait to hold my new baby boy, but I still miss his older brother.
One of the reasons I did decide to share our news is because I would really, really covet your prayers. We need them. We need prayers for anxiety and prayers for this baby boy. Please, please pray that God would give us a little boy to hold and love in September and to bring home to take care of and nurture.
"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."